Some bathroom etiquette

What a better place to put an article about bathroom etiquette than right on top of a story about Lindsay Lohan? After all, I'm sure she's enjoyed her share of Dirty Sanchezes. Some of these are generally accepted guy rules and others may not have been talked about and yet they're instinctively followed. This could be an eye opener for the ladies, too, and provide for some insight into the world of man. Let's talk about going #1 first and then we'll get to the fun stuff.

All guys know there are johns on the wall when you go to public restrooms. Unless there are only two of these, you should always provide a one-john buffer zone between you and another pisser. It's just common courtesy and could keep you from getting your ass kicked. If at all possible make sure you get the end with the big boy john and not the children's size that'll result in piss all over your sandals--not cool, people.

Unless you're good friends, you shouldn't be talking to the guy next to you. And even then conversation should be kept to a minimum. The guy next to you could be trying to check out your package, determine your preference, or is blitzed out of his mind. This goes the same for walking in with a friend and he goes in to do #2. This happened to me once and the guy wouldn't shut up. It's embarrassing when someone else walks in and you're talking about career options with a guy sawing the third leg off the stool.

If you are over 70 or younger than 5 (since I don't have a child, yet, I can't be sure of the age), there's no reason you should be taking a piss with your pants and underwear down around your ankles. Nobody in the men's room wants to see your hairy ass and is a sure-fire way of getting your ass kicked. My buddy walked into a McDonalds bathroom and right in front of him was a senior citizen pulling his pants up in the middle of the bathroom. The guy gave him a smile, which could be construed as a myriad of signals.

Another that gets on my nerves when I'm in the office and applies to both #1 and #2, make sure you flush the toilet. Is there anything else more simple? Use your boot or an elbow, but for God's sake don't leave a surprise for the next guy. Chances are there are more germs on your phone and keyboard than on that toilet handle you've got to tug on for a second.

Now if you're taking a grumpy there are some rules here as well. For the uninitiated, guys will talk about how bad they have to go if there was a mean shit they took when it's just a bunch of guys together. Sometimes it's almost like a badge of honor. Anyways, this is what goes, but that's when you're "outside the wire."

When you're dropping trow, you don't want to sound like you're powerlifting 500 pounds. It's a little disturbing and there's a chance you'll end up with one of your balls down by your ankle. We all know you're in there doing your thing--no need to advertise it.

Unless you really have to go, I wouldn't walk right into the stall if someone else is in bathroom and makes visual contact. There's just something strange and it's like an unwritten rule because now someone knows you're the one about to make the bathroom a hot zone. Just go ahead and pick a john and at least pretend to go #1 while the other guy finishes up.

Now if you're already in the stall making a deposit, you should wait until all people have exited the bathroom before you walk out. Even if it means you have to sit on the pot with your pants pulled up you should wait. There just doesn't seem to be anything more unsettling than making eye-to-eye contact with someone coming in to use the facilities. It's like your friend walking in on you with the 250-pound fug, unibrow girl getting it on. Guys can talk about it, but only after the fact and when it's outside of the bathroom.

I don't make these up; I just make the observations is all. One last thing about using the bathroom which some might question, but I believe it's a good tip for my fellow men. I read in a magazine it's harder to fall back asleep if you go to the bathroom and turn on the light. They say if you pull up the toilet seat and then quickly flick the light on and then off you will see the outline and can piss into the circle. If you're married, though, you might forget to drop the lid so why not just take a seat and enjoy your leak? You're tired enough from sleeping so why stand any more than you have to? Think about it...