This guy hacked the iPhone

I read an article earlier this week about a teen who collaborated with some peeps to hack the iPhone, allowing it to be used with other cellular carriers. I didn't see a pic of the kid, but when you look at him here it's easy to see why. Wouldn't it be crazy if a guy that looked like me or Tom Brady hacked the iPhone instead? Talk about a curve ball!

Pretty savvy, though, trading the phone for a brand new Nissan 350Z and 3 8GB iPhones. A very nice ride for sure, but it doesn't mean anything. Judging by the picture I'm guessing this kid will be pretty busy not getting laid well into his 30s.

Owen Wilson--again

I saw an article that talked about actors who seem so successful and yet commit suicide or do drugs, etc. Comedic actors are so troubled on the inside--such tragic figures in their private lives. Blah, blah, blah. Why can't they just be fucked up? The media tries to make these people so complex. It's like I never understood why in an English lit class professors want to examine and interpret authors' works. Why couldn't it just be that's what the author was writing? Not everything has to have a meaning, you jackasses. Owen Wilson's life is so tough laying pipe to his choice of hot ass and making tons of movies that make millions. Life is so hard. If I hear Owen Wilson on Larry King telling American how the pressures of fame got to him I'm going to slit MY wrists! I can't stand it when actors say this kind of bullshit. If you have so much fame and money and the pressure is getting to you, here's a hint: GO AWAY! If you have that kind of coin then just leave everything behind. But of course that doesn't happen because these jerkoffs are a bunch of attention whores so instead they play the pity card.

I saw in a blog someone write, "we love you Owen and need you back, you are a part of us and always will be." Huh?! You don't know this person so why write to them as though you do? I'm sure this poster hopes that one day some famous person will read her post, write back, and fall in love. Let me tell you something, sister--it's the 250 pounds on your frame and 12 cats that are keeping the men away.

Just once I'd like to see a post from someone that said, "Hey, Owen, do us all a favor and use a gun next time." But that wouldn't be up for long because it's too real and not the accepted opinion.

Why?

What is it with lottery winners? They always seem to be like the people in this article. Can't there be a normal person like me to win? Is God that much of a prankster that he's got to give the jackpot to some 90-year old who wouldn't understand the pleasure of offering $10,000 to a couple of girls to make out with each other in public? Or the guy who is going to kill himself in a couple of years? Why do they have to have a killer mullet like this guy? I guess sometimes life is just a horrible bitch goddess...

My argument about shitty music is made stronger

Unfortunately, I heard Britney Spears' new single today and I almost drove my car into incoming traffic. Horrible. After seeing pictures like the one here you realize this bitch can't do the sexy thing anymore with that stupid, breathy voice. Her ass has more lumps in it than mashed potatoes. It looks like someone stuffed a bunch of jello in a bag...I'm gonna go throw up now.

What happened to the great music?

I'm a music lover. I got it from my dad, who listens to all kinds of music. I can remember as a kid listening to salsa, jazz, blues, Cuban son, Spanish guitar instrumentals, etc. It didn't matter what genre of music so long as it spoke to him. I know where I got for my love of all kinds of music from. Look in my car and you'll see I have music ranging from D'Angelo to Stevie Ray Vaughn to John Mayer to the Foo Fighters and the Buena Vista Social Club. You could find me listening to Toby Keith just as easily as Rage Against the Machine or Cypress Hill.

Notice I don't really have a lot of new music when I list what I'm checking out. To me it's because music has become a cookie cutter business. Everything is the same. Sure, I like some of the songs from bands like Plain White Tees and Fallout Boy. However, if I didn't know the song I couldn't tell you the difference between these bands, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and Boy Meets Girl. It's all the same crap with different names. Even when I was a teenager enjoying my heavy metal days you could tell the difference between Metallica, Slayer, and Motley Crue. Everyone had a different sound. You'd never mistake Ice T for NWA's Ice Cube, Dr Dre, and Eazy-E.

Maybe I'm just getting too old for this new music, but I rarely buy a new CD because of the crap we listen to. Give me a Chet Baker album any time. He's the guy in the picture and the dude was one bad motherfucker when it came to jazz. His song "The Thrill is Gone" is hauntingly beautiful and if you've never heard it you need to--even if it's just once. He had an unbelievably distinct voice and you'd never confuse him for someone else just like you'd never mistake Muddy Waters for Stevie Ray Vaughn.

Nowadays all of this crap just runs together. Give me some music that speaks to me. Something that makes me want to close my eyes and be taken somewhere. A great piece of music that makes you feel something--anger, sadness, joy, whatever.

Punishment should fit the crime?

Woman tries to flush baby down the toilet

This bitch is a real piece of work. For a quick recap, she goes to the bathroom. When she doesn't return, her McDonald's coworkers check on her and call paramedics. They find her on the floor and her new-born 32-week old baby in the toilet. The monster tells paramedics she tried to flush the baby several times and the she didn't know she was pregnant. Paramedics did revive the baby and unfortunately the mother is doing fine. This bitch is a god-awful liar. Did she think she had a really bad, 8 month stomach bug or something. Why not give the baby up for adoption?

When I see this kind of crap I have to say the Saudis have it right. When you steal in Saudi Arabia they cut off your hand. Talk about learning a lesson. This idiot won't get anything and probably be allowed to procreate again. I say fuck that. You're 20 years old, not 16. Unfortunately, society will try to figure out how it failed this girl rather than realizing she's nothing but a worthless piece of shit.

The #1 cause for uncontrolled vomitting in America

I don't know why I keep posting pictures of super-fug Britney Spears. It's like a bad car wreck and you can't help but watch something like this. It'd take a lot of booze and a special blend of hallucinogens to get me to put my pecker in that meat grinder of hers...

The #1 cause of heart attacks amoung straight men is this...

I'd say it'd be tough to last too long with these ladies unless you rubbed one out prior to performing some calisthenics with this pair.

Please so I can retire

I don't normally ask for much. I have a great wife, great looks, and a big package. So it's obvious I've got most of what I need. The problem is that I can be a bit lazy. I'm not crazy about my job and so winning the $250 million jackpot in Tuesday night's Mega Millions drawing would be huge. I'd love to get a job I enjoy, but they don't seem to pay much for a hack golfer who happens to be a sarcastic smart ass so any extra help I can get would be just peachy.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

That's right, people. No matter what ESPN tells you, Bowl Week is not the most wonderful time--it's all about the next two weeks. College and pro football start up in just a couple of days and I for one am so happy it's here! This time is all about vegging on your couch for days on end. There are some Saturdays you couldn't get me out of the house even if it was on fire...unless you could guarantee there's a TV sitting outside for me. Or Jessica Biel naked on the hood of my car... Anyways, the best part of the year is finally upon us so it's time to enjoy the festivities. I pulled this Auburn preview video off the web and it speaks to the level of excitement better than I could. Saturday night, Jordan Hare stadium is going to be going crazy ready for the kickoff. As pumped as I am, the season is going to be tough. After my friend the Socialist Gambler's Big Ten preview I'm going to give one for Auburn.

One word about our schedule: tough. We have 5 returning starters on offense and 7 coming back on defense. This team reminds me a bit of some of the late 90's teams that relied on their defense. The problem was the offense wasn't so great and the D wore out late in games. With Brandon Cox back and some good running backs it's going to be up to our inexperienced offensive line. We also lost our punter and kicker, which means special teams is going to be a little crazy. While Auburn benefited from last year's schedule the tables have turned. We start out with games at home against Kansas St and South Florida--not exactly world beaters, but I expect them to be tough opponents. After games against Miss St and New Mexico St, the games get brutal with three of the next four games on the road against Florida, Arkansas, and LSU. And then we have a tough finish with Georgia and Alabama. I think the four-game stint in late September-October is going to be key to our season. 2 out of four would be great. If that happens and we can stay healthy through a season that doesn't have a bye week until 17 November, I could see 10-2. But being an Auburn fan means more likely a 9-3 record. War Damn Eagle and let's get this party started!

Owen Wilson may have attempted suicide

I saw a story today reporting Owen Wilson may have tried to commit suicide. He's been hospitalized and done the requisite "please respect my privacy" thing. Owen Wilson is doing stupid, sophomoric movies--which I enjoy--and banging tight little pieces of ass like Kate Hudson and he wants to kill himself?! I'd love to punch this guy in the mouth and let him know there are plenty of guys who'd give their left nut to be in this guy's shoes. I guess he's got problems average guys just don't understand...bitch, please.

A village somewhere is missing an idiot

If you haven't heard of this guy by now you are missing out. Leroy (appropriate, isn't it?) is suing 1-800-Flowers.com because of a thank you note he received in the mail for buying flowers and a teddy bear. You might be wondering why in the world he'd be suing the flower company for $1 million in federal court. Turns out the flowers were for his girlfriend while he was reconciling with his wife. What kind of a moron would charge something to a credit card his wife was going to see?! You can watch a movie or two and realize when people are running from the feds they never use their cards because the charges can be traced. Has America not realized all we can learn from TV?

McDonald's...racist?

Sometimes it takes me a bit to catch an underlying message. Forgive me, but I drink a lot. So McDonald's has introduced a new Chipotle snack wrap and they've rolled out a new series of commercials. One in particular caught my eye. A young woman walks up to the door and this Rico Suave (for you youngsters look him up) imitation starts rapping. Can you see where this is going? So why is it the Latina is wanting a CHIPOTLE wrap?! They probably wanted to finish off the commercial with the INS busting in and sending everyone back to Mexico because--as McDonald's is trying to say--we all look alike, right? Maybe McDonald's will have a teriyaki wrap and show some Asian kids going to McD's to take a break from their big math exam. Or some black--excuse me, African American--kids taking a break from playing basketball to get that new fried chicken and watermelon combo. And why the music? Why is it the Latino ads have some kind of salsa music, white ads have rock- or popish music, and ads with black people show urban music. How about we mix it up a little, guys? No need for a mariachi band every time you air an ad with the Latinos. Let's mix it up a little, boys!

Angelina and Brad practice affirmative action

It looks like in this world even families aren't immune to the whole extra PC lifestyle this country has sadly adopted. Seems Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to Ethiopia to adopt another baby. It seems like they want the Ethiopian girl they adopted two years ago to feel more connected to the family. I guess a black orphan from the United States isn't black enough for them. They already took care of the Asian connection by now having a Cambodian and Vietnamese kid. That way there are two people good at math. They could adopt two Hispanic kids so one wouldn't feel like they did all of the yard work. They have one boring biological child, which is going to have to change although they won't look here in the States--not white enough.

Like prairie dogging it...

You might be wondering what the blog title has to do with this picture of Hayden Whatshername, but give me a sec and you'll understand. As you've read on here, I have been heralding the coming of August 21st, the first day you can legally get a blumpkin (just Google it) from Hayden. And with legs like that gay guys would be lining up to give her a mustache ride. So it seems like hetero males and raging dykes have been waiting for this girl's birthday and it's almost too much to bear. Kinda like being on a long drive and prairie dogging it because there isn't a bathroom for miles. That lesson was free.

A new contender to the idiot of the year

I don't know what goes on in Oregon, although I hear from my friend, Derek, there's a lot granola stuff going on. He always talks about getting back together with the gang in his commune and finding a good piece of tire to make some shoes. So when I was told about an article about a woman who might have to forfeit her lotto winnings I was intrigued. When I found out she was from Oregon I wasn't surprised. But of course I wanted to read on!

Christina Goodenow used her then-boyfriend's DEAD mother's credit card to buy a winning $1 million scratch-off ticket. That's pretty fucked up. She even told lotto officials to keep it quiet because she was an abused spouse. Seemingly this woman would appear to be pretty crafty. She probably gets away with it, but the Oregon in her kicked in. She gets caught using the SAME CREDIT CARD again two weeks after she won the million!

She ended up forfeiting the money and was sentenced to a month in prison. Of course, the brilliant Oregon judge decides to get her credit for the one month based on the six months she served earlier this year for possession of meth. It's obvious by the fact she used a dead woman's credit card that good ol' Christina had learned her lesson. Chalk up another one to the fine Oregon education system!

Feeling weird

You ever eat a big, greasy meal and then the next day your reliving it by blowing ass everywhere you go? And you know it's going to be bad when the farts start to burn and you know it's only a matter of time. And then two days after the big meal you're suddenly hit with those stomach pains that make you duck walk to the nearest bathroom so you can spackle the inside of a toilet? Me either. And isn't it odd how sometimes you're in the stall and someone is in the one next to you and the stalls seem way to narrow and you're afraid to make any moves even though it's obvious what both of you are doing? I didn't think so either.

We don't vacation enough

According to an article in forbes.com, Americans get an average of 14 days of vacation time per year compared to 24 days for the Brits and 26 days for the Germans. And of the 4,100 people surveyed 35% leave an average of 3 days on the table at the end of the year. All this means that we, as Americans are either stupid or not as lazy as most people think. Here are a couple of reasons to take advantage of your vacation days. First, you take it because you can. If they didn't want to give you 14 days of vacation each year they wouldn't. Save those three left over days when you need to get drunk or you've got a chance to go to some concert or titty bar you've always wanted to see. Second, you take vacation because you can't find a reason to go to work. I'm still waiting for my long-term, yet curable illness to hit so I can be out of work. But it's the kind you have to do lots of physical therapy like, oh I don't know...golf. The kind of illness that I recover from yet still need full retirement benefits.

In case you're wondering, that's a picture of Jessica Alba from one of her good sides. Imagine that vacation--except mine includes a leash, handcuffs, and a ball gag. Dare to dream, gentlemen. Dare to dream.

Only 14 days...

...until you can bend Hayden Whatshername over the hood of your car and not get arrested for statutory rape. I don't expect this chick to ever become an A-list celeb, which means we can expect to see her goods in 2-3 years. Daddy like...

Madonna adoption in trouble

So it looks like Madonna might not be able to adopt a baby from Malawi because of bribery shit. I didn't really read much of the article because I could care less nowadays. It's amazing these celebrities will go to these third-world countries and adopt children who otherwise wouldn't have a chance. You know who else doesn't have a chance--AMERICAN ORPHANS!! How about you help some people here in this country?! I'm glad stuck up bitches like Madonna decide to move out of the country so we don't have to put up with their shit. Angelina Jolie goes around adopting kids from Thailand and Africa...how about picking up a kid from Atlanta or LA, you fucking dope?! Oprah Winfrey decides to open up a girls-only school in South Africa to give them an opportunity. Open a school in Florida and send disadvantaged girls here! How about you give a little something to the country that actually made you famous???

People get rich and all of a sudden they feel like they have to make some kind of change to who they are. That's why I love Jenna Jameson. She would suck anybody's dick just to get on the camera. And when she made it big, she was STILL sucking dick on camera. Stay who you are! If Oprah was a racist bigot before she got famous then why shouldn't she be able to stay that way?! Madonna, go back to wearing bondage outfits and showing off your hairy bush in Playboy. You gotta keep it real, bitch!