Wow

Every once in a while a movie that should be made doesn't get done. I don't know we're ever going to see this one on the big screen and it'll certainly be America's loss. Until it does happen we only have this trailer as an idea of what could be...

Big Ern vs. The Jesus

Mets get Santana

It looks like the Mets are the big winners in the Johan Santana sweepstakes, trading away 4 prospects to get the biggest catch of the off season. Santana had requested the Twins try to resolve the situation and apparently they decided to make the move. According to a report on espn.com, the package of four prospects is considered to have been the fourth best package offered. The Twins had previous offers from the Yankees and Red Sox, but their interest waned and offers were pulled off the table or pared down. In the end, the Mets offered the best deal.

This is a prime example of the Twins getting way too greedy. With a no-trade clause in place, the Red Sox and Yankees knew they could throw out good--maybe not great--offers because it was likely Santana wasn't going anywhere but a contender. They knew if the Twins couldn't work out a trade Santana would be a free agent at the end of the season and all they'd get were two draft picks as compensation. In the end, with no great offers on the table I think the Twins ended up settling. Time will tell of course and maybe the four Mets prospects were great, but it seemed like the Mets got the big arm they needed and didn't part with shortstop Jose Reyes and top prospect Fernando Martinez. If you ask me the Twins got played on this one big time.

Britney is mental

According to Barbara Walters, Britney has been to a psychiatrist and she assumes she's going to seek treatment. Whatever. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Britney's only illness is that SHE IS A RETARD. Where was this "mental illness" when she was selling millions of records and millions of men beat off to the thought of taking this girl bareback? Nowhere. Now someone has to figure out a way to explain away the fact her 15 minutes of fame are up.

You think if she really had some kind of mental illness a manager or friend would tell Barbara Walters? Amazing that it somehow popped up on the television the next day...

Worst commercial ever

It's taken me a while to write about this because I'm lazy, but I'm okay with that. Burger King has a commercial that has got to be the worst thing ever. It's all about the whopper freak out. Here's the story: One BK restaurant in Las Vegas tells patrons they have stopped selling the whopper. Apparently this is horrible news to the folks who order it. They call it the best burger and why would anyone go to BK if they didn't serve the whopper. This makes sense since BK is the home of the whopper. There are two ridiculous things about this commercial. First, the whopper is not the best burger and, two, this would never happen in Las Vegas. You may ask why I know this and I will tell you that I have lived in Las Vegas. I can count two places with better burgers just in Las Vegas.

The first is Fatburger. Great burgers and plenty of choices. I've been there enough to enjoy it, but there's one burger there superior to all others: the In N' Out burger. Unless you've been to or live in Nevada, California, or Arizona you've never experienced true heaven on a bun. Someone from Las Vegas who says Burger King is the best burger should be whacked and buried out at Red Rock Canyon. You haven't lived until you've ordered up a Double Double with cheese animal style, fries, and a Neapolitan shake.

ESPN's Jacobson disciplined for roast remarks

You can read the whole article here, but the gist of the article is that Dana Jacobson, who is on ESPN's "First Take", was reprimanded by ESPN for some comments she made during the Mike and Mike celebrity roast on January 11th. She apparently made some remarks about Notre Dame that the Irish peeps deemed inappropriate.

How does this happen? It's a celebrity ROAST! Has anybody at ESPN ever seen a roast? I'm not talking about some major network deal, but a no kidding roast. To my knowledge the roast isn't going to be televised and why should it? Roasts are brutal. It's all about personal attacks and putting someone down as much as possible. Aside from racial slurs there's probably nothing that's out of bounds. ESPN should think twice about doing this kind of thing if its employees suddenly have to be censored when performing during an event people paid to get into--and was for adults.

Huh?

I love stupid, pointless, and mindless. Shit, it's how I've gotten by so far in life. That's why I love a good movie where you can go in and not have to expend once ounce of the brain power. But sometimes the shit just goes too far.

By now I'm sure you've seen the previews for "Meet the Spartans", which is another tired spoof movie. Did anyone find anything funny in the preview? This genre is seriously overdone. I think I'd rather watch baby seals get clubbed.

You want two spoof classics that started (both a good and bad thing) this whole spoof kick? "Scary Movie" (just the first) and "Not Another Teen Movie" were great examples of how these movies are supposed to be done. The rest are crap, but feel free to throw out some examples and prove me wrong. But you won't.

Heath Ledger is dead...so?

Heather Ledger was found dead today at the age of 28. He was in his apartment and a bunch of pills were found next to him. Now we're going to have to sit through tributes from a bunch of losers (those blubbering fans who never knew the guy) and listen to actors who didn't know the guy comment on his passing. Here's John Travolta's reaction upon hearing about Ledger's death: “He is one of my favorite actors. His abilities are rare...it’s a tremendous loss. It’s hard to be here celebrating Australia under these circumstances.” Right. Ask Travolta to name one Heath Ledger movie--other than "Brokeback Mountain." Can you?

Listen, it's tragic for his family and to leave a little girl without a dad is devastating. But it's not like they found Robert DeNiro dead. I heard that people in CNN's entertainment section were crying. Really? Did they cry when Brad Renfro died last week? You might read that and wonder who Brad Renfro is. Exactly. Get over yourselves. And I hope we don't start to hear about how drugs are killing young actors and if this is the start of a bad trend. Drugs are killing a lot of people and that's not going to change.

Call me and insensitive prick but let's all have a nice hot cup of reality and get back to whatever it is we all do.

A couple of man observations

I had a buddy of mine ask if it was okay for a guy to come out of a stall (following a dump) while someone else was in the bathroom. The simple answer is no. Unless you're over 60 you should be staying inside the stall until the coast is clear. And if you do have to leave then you must hang your head in shame, say nothing, and make no eye contact.

Second, two guys should never sit next to each other unless the situation calls for it (like a sold-out sporting event). We go to these lovely town hall meetings and some of the guys in my office see it necessary to cozy up in the seat next to me. That's a no go. There's a one-seat buffer requirement. Like Seinfeld said, if two guys are at a restaurant they don't sit on the same side of the table.

Some sports observations from the weekend

A couple of things I noticed from the weekend of sports. First, I thought the conference championship games were great--especially the Packers-Giants. Should be in an interesting Super Bowl, but I think people are giving the Giants too much credit for their close LOSS to the Patriots. I'm smelling a blowout in Arizona and I foresee Manning having a Jake Plummer type of relapse. Remember the great season Plummer had for the Broncos in 2005 only to see him go back to normal against the Steelers?

Second, Maryland played a great game against North Carolina in Chapel Hill to knock off the top seed. Lots of crowd reaction shots and seeing the UNC coeds crying after the loss, which is completely stupid. But here's what I noticed: there are a LOT of ugly girls who go to UNC. I didn't see a single hot chick--just a bunch of "nerd" hot ladies. It looks like if you want to get a hot piece of ass in the Raleigh-Durham area you have to go to NC State or ECU where they don't care about academics and focus on keggers and getting laid.

Do you need anymore motivation than this?

If this doesn't get you (man or woman) excited for golf then you have no soul.

Still on the Karate Kid kick...Get it? Kick?

Every once in a while you come across a funny video and you want to share it with your loyal fans. This is no exception. These great UNC students put together quite a spoof video in the dorm. This was probably on a Friday or Saturday night when the dorm was empty. What does it mean? It means these two won't see a vagina unless they pay for it. But at least all that free time playing "slap and tickle" with each other means they put together a funny little video to enjoy.

Anybody miss this?

Anybody remember this look? I was at Starbizzle's this morning and a woman in the car next to me was sporting some major bangs. I wanted to knock on the window and see if she had on a pair of white leather boots with the tassles on them.

The sight of her made me want to throw on my Iron Maiden concert t-shirt and jean jacket with "...And Justice for All" back patch. Throw a little Guns 'N Roses in the boom box, hand me a Marlboro Red and I was in heaven.

The woman's bangs of course led to some of the famous men's bangs--never the lower over the forehead, only the top level. Entertainment icons such as Vanilla Ice, Zack Morris, and everyone's favorite rich-kid high schoolers, Brandon and Dylan. Those were the days, weren't they?

More legal troubles for Pacman

If you didn't hear Adam "Pacman" Jones was once again in the middle of some possible legal trouble when a woman filed an assault complaint against the suspended Tennessee Titan. Now, however, it looks like something is amiss and the woman has dropped her complaint. Surprise, surprise. Wanda S. Jackson, an Atlanta attorney, filed a complaint stating Jones punched her as Jones accused managers at the Body Tap strip club of stealing his money and bracelet.

If anyone should be punched in the face it's Pacman. A bracelet? Dude's going to get his ghetto pass revoked. Unless you're part of the Italian mob there's no reason for wearing one. Check Jones' pants because I'm guessing you're not going to find a penis.

You're making a BIG mistake

Sources (who are these sources anyways) say USC head coach Pete Carroll is interested in the Atlanta Falcons head coaching position. Carroll spoke to Falcons owner Arthur Blank today about the opening. Why? Why the hell would you leave a sweet gig like USC for the NFL? Keep in mind Carroll had two head coaching stints in the NFL prior to coming to USC. So it can't be that he's curious about going to the next level. And why would you go to Atlanta? That place is the black hole for sports. It's a horrible sports town with mediocre teams (minus the Braves, but their first round playoff games rarely sell out). When Brad Pitt left Jennifer Anniston he didn't shack up with Sarah Jessica Parker--he moved on to Angelina Jolie!

In his 7 years at Southern Cal he's only won 2 national titles and gone 76-14. He has recruits coming to him and has his pick from across the country. Here are some of his accomplishments: 2 BCS Championship Game appearances (win over Oklahoma, loss to Texas), 6 Associated Press Top-4 finishes (including the split 2003 national championship and the undisputed 2004 national championship), a record 5 BCS bowl victories, a record 6 consecutive BCS bowl appearances, a record 6 consecutive years as Pac-10 Champions or Co-Champions, a national-record 33 consecutive weeks as AP's No. 1-ranked team, a 12-2 record against traditional rivals Notre Dame and UCLA, a NCAA record of 63 straight 20-point games, 22 All-American first teamers, 3 Heisman Trophy winners (Carson Palmer, 2002; Matt Leinart, 2004; Reggie Bush, 2005), 4 Top-5 recruiting classes, win streaks for home games (34) and Pac-10 home games (22), and the first NCAA FBS team to achieve six consecutive 11-win seasons.

The dude is a god in LA...I bet he could punch a child in the face and people would wonder why the kid got in his way. The guy is a college coach through and through. No sense in going to the NFL where huge contracts and prima donnas rule. Enjoy the college landscape working with kids and being in control--not like NFL control, which is bullshit (ask Cam Cameron). Billy Donovan realized he belong in college and so did Dennis Erickson. You'd think Carroll would stay too.

I think I pissed my pants

Bill Simmons is a writer for ESPN The Magazine and also does some great pieces for Page 2. He certainly has one of the sweeter jobs out there. Anyways, he wrote a column about the Karate Kid and, if you grew up in the 80s, it is a must read. There is no way you won't be laughing your ass off halfway through the story. Enjoy the Holy Trilogy of "The Karate Kid".

This is why nobody likes you, LSU fan

You played a great game, LSU. Once again proving that the SEC is the best and deepest college football conference in the country. Now what most people may not know is that LSU fans are easily the most annoying college football fans in the country. I've been to my share of Auburn-LSU games and it gets ugly. I can remember driving home one night after a game and some drunk jackass was punching the hood of my car until some Auburn peeps came to the rescue. I don't know if there's a sober LSU fan. And that's why they play their games at night. Because you get 90,000 plus smashed fans in the stadium. Auburn's team bus has been shaken by fans before and some years back a player was mooned by a 60+ year old woman. I thought Florida fans were bad when Spurrier was around, but they are nothing compared to the LSU disciples. You only need to look at the picture here to see why they are the biggest pieces of shit on the planet. Is Ohio State a big rival? No. Was there a lot of smack talk the weeks leading up to the game--it seemed like it was barely talked about. And yet these three idiots have the balls to goad a bunch of Ohio State fans in an obviously predominant OSU section! It's obvious from the photo the two guys are retarded. The dude on the right is probably a mouth breather (someone who always has their mouth open, making them look like an idiot). And the girl in the middle (if she's a real woman) is a prostitute. She's bent over and has her mouth open, which leads me to believe she's spent much of her adult and teen years in this position. Perhaps she was "escorting" these two lucky fellas before giving them the gift of the HIV. And what's up with the OSU fan on the far left? He looks like an extra from "Staying Alive".

Another political observation

Anybody else think Dennis Kucinich married WAY out of his league? Dude must have a 12-inch cock or something to bag a piece like this. She is British, though, which means she probably has a messed up grill and is in serious need of a toothbrush. When I look at this picture, does anybody else think he looks a little like Smeagol from "Lord of the Rings"? My precious! And what the hell is in his mouth? It looks like he got an oyster stuck to the roof of his mouth.

A couple Barack Obama observations

I'm not big on talking about politics--it's one of those things I keep to myself. It's nobody else's business who I vote for. But general observations are fine so here are two that have to do with Barack Obama.

First, I think I've figured out why Barack Obama is leading by double digits in the New Hampshire primary. Next time Barack is on TV, close your eyes and listen to the man's voice. Now tell me he doesn't sound like The Rock. "If you smell what Barack is cookin'!" Seriously. The similarity is uncanny! Obama is going to clean up in the south. There are so many wrestling fans down there people would go ape shit if Obama took a folding chair to the back of Hillary's head. Believe it or Barack will lay the smack down on your candy ass.

Second, as I was watching the Mercedes Benz Championship, Zach Johnson got asked why he was impressed by Barack Obama, who he met in Iowa. Zach Johnson said Barack sounded like he was really dedicated to what he was doing and believed in his cause. Wow. That was insightful. For all of the time and effort these politicians put into a campaign I'd hope like hell they all were dedicated to their efforts. There are a lot of other things I can do half ass and none of them involve running for president--like work.

Open foot, insert mouth

There are some things you should never say. Don't drop the "N" word in a black neighborhood or the "S" word in a Latino neighborhood. Unless you want a beat down of epic proportions. Go to Germany and drop some Nazi propaganda in public and see what happens. So I was surprised to see, this article this evening. If you're not the patient sort, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf told 60 minutes this about Benazir Bhutto's death: "For standing up outside the car, I think it was she to blame alone -- nobody else. Responsibility is hers." Of all the things you could say that's the wrong one. Sure, if she'd kept her head in the SUV she'd probably still be alive. Instead, Bhutto's got to stick her head out the damn sunroof to wave to her subjects as if she didn't learn from the first bombing after her arrival. But you just don't say it! That's like telling a sensitive friend with a bad haircut they got a bad hair cut. Bad move dude.

What's the big deal?

I love golf. In fact, it's an addiction. And the place I go to get all kinds of golf information is Golfwrx.com. I've been a member for quite a while now and it's got some unbelievable stuff and great insider information. I have learned so much from this site and even used the site to find a place to get fitted for clubs (I highly recommend the Golf Tour Trailer). Sometimes you get pictures like the one here. These are the new Bridgestone J36 Cavity irons. I think they look great.

But ask some of the people on the site and they can't get over the blue paint fill. Huh? What the fuck does it matter what the back of the club looks like? If you're staring at the back of the club as you set up over the ball it's because you're an idiot. I see people talk about how some clubs are too busy on the back or bottom and I just shake my head. If this bothers you then fill it in with another color! To be bothered by something so stupid makes me wonder how these guys handle difficult situations. Sheesh!

A restaurant observation

My wife and I love breakfast. And when we've got time, like on the weekends, our restaurant of choice is The Original Pancake House. We started going when we lived in Las Vegas and we were more than happy to find one here in the DC area. Great service and even better food. You're guaranteed to leave the place full. But what if you're not full? This question hit me this morning and I wondered: why can't you order dessert at a breakfast place?

Why is that during breakfast the server doesn't ask if you'd be interested in dessert? Maybe I'm in the mood for a warm apple crisp or some chocolate cake. A little ice cream would be nice. Of course, if you manage to eat everything on your plate and ask for dessert you're looking like the pudgy kid in the below post. On second thought, I'll skip the dessert.

This is your future, America

According to some statistics I made up, 2/3 of American adults are overweight and 1/3 of those are obese. What gives? I don't want to hear about genes and being big boned. I've got a big bone and it hasn't affected my weight one bit! What's the deal, though? It's a further example of how we're going down the toilet. At the building I work I see people ride the elevator vice taking a flight of stairs to go up one floor. And when I see these idiots it's obvious the most working out they ever do is on the toilet trying to pinch a loaf. These are the same people who I have seen stand in front of the automatic doors even if they're broken. They stand there staring at the thing and walk to the other set of doors rather than pulling open a door like the old days. They're also the same folks who would rather drive around the parking lot for hours looking for that really close spot rather than parking in one of the spots in the back. I guess they save me the trouble of having to give one of these fatties mouth-to-mouth, which is much appreciated.

These are the same people who didn't have video games or grew up with an Atari 2600 like me. But even then there was so much more shit to do outside. Playing with toy guns in the woods (which society thinks is wrong for some reason), pick up baseball/football/basketball games, the jungle gym, riding bikes, etc. Unless you want your kid to end up being forklifted out of their house when they're 30 (which is in this little girl's future), kick their ass out of the house, make some friends and go play!

Has hit rock bottom and begun to dig

If you've been anywhere near a news channel you've seen that Britney Spears was in some kind of standoff with cops after refusing to turn her kids over to K Fed's posse. There are reports she was high on drugs and tried to commit suicide. This no-talent ass clown's demise is like Michael Jackson's except that dude had some talent.

Of course all of the talk shows are trying to determine what has gone wrong and if this is an epidemic among our young teen Hollywood stars. What these people have forgotten is the only thing Americans like more than an underdog story is watching a successful person crash and burn. It's American as apple pie!

BCS blows a bit this year

While normally a good idea to gather all the necessary facts before giving your opinion, I'm going to go with what I normally do and go off the little bit of information I have and reserve the right to change my mind later when I realize I might be wrong.

I'd say I was doing pretty good with my opinion of this year's BCS bowls. There were some great early games with a lot of close match ups and last-second victories. It was looking like a good day, but things seemed to go downhill after Auburn's great overtime victory over Auburn East (you may know it as Clemson). There were some great early games with the Outback and Capital One Bowls being great wins for the SEC. Of course Arkansas decides to lay a serious egg against Mizzou. Then we get to the BCS games and suddenly it was boring game after boring game. USC destroys the Illini in the Rose Bowl, Georgia dominates Hawaii in the Sugar, and West Virginia easily takes care of Oklahoma in the Fiesta. All three games were snoozers by halftime.

And then Kansas decides to actually play like someone who was worthy of being in the BCS by beating a very game Virginia Tech. I thought Mizzou belonged in the BCS ahead of the Jayhawks, but these games are about money and KU travels better. They took an early 14-point lead and VT battled back to get down by three. Some uncharacteristic special teams blunders prevented them from getting closer than three points and they lost 24-21. Let's hope I'm wrong and Monday night's BCS national title game is competitive and not the snooze fest we had last year.

It's the start of a new year

Yesterday marked the beginning of the 2008 PGA Tour season, which means looking forward to watching some golf Thursday and Friday night and catching the weekend action. It's a good thing after having to endure some of the silly season events to end the year (lots of crap after the Target World Challenge). The start of a new season also serves as a reminder I've got the wrong job. Who the hell wouldn't want to spend a couple of weeks prior to the Mercedes Benz Championship practicing?

My resolution for this year is to find a way to work as hard as necessary and maximize my salary. I don't know if that's going to come from winning the lottery (got my fingers crossed) or suddenly being able to play tour-caliber golf, but it's got to happen. Having had the last 9 days off has made me realize how great sitting on my ass for hours on end truly is. Maybe I'll try a get rich quick seminar or order information on starting my own home-based business. If anybody knows someone rich who is willing to give me a couple million dollars to get started I would appreciate it and provide an autographed picture of my dog.

I've been published

I wasn't going to bring this up because I'm a pretty subdued guy. It's not like me to talk about myself or my accomplishments. However, I know at some point this blog would pay off and word would get around about my skillz--that's right. Skillz with a Z. Someone was paying attention to my knowledge of golf and decided I should be highlighted in Jason Sobel's ESPN blog, which you can read here. To all the people who have been with me from the beginning, don't worry. I'll still be passing along my little nuggets of wisdom. Just don't be surprised if I start charging you. You're dismissed.

Anybody catch New Year's Rockin' Eve?

Did anybody watch any of ABC's coverage of the countdown festivities? If you did you saw Dick Clark back up there doing his thing. And I've got one weird to describe it: sad. That was just way too weird for me and I didn't watch for long. It was like staring at a bad car wreck. Should he even be up that late or was he in some kind of cryogenic state up until a few hours prior when he was thawed out? All I kept thinking was, "I hope he doesn't have another stroke." Gross, dude.