My Ladder of Doability

Let me begin by stating my wife is always at the top of my ladder of doability. It's not going to change unless she decides to dump me, which she'd be a fool to do because guys like me are one in a million. Now that I've gotten that out of the way let's get down to business.

I've been thinking about this for a while and there are certainly different levels of hottiness. It doesn't all have to be about looking like Jessica Biel--who is, looks wise, my female equal. But there are certain things girls do that bring them up and down a scale. This scale moves women up and down a ladder that decides my level of interest. I call this scale my Ladder of Doability. This is a long-held secret and I'm ready to share it with everyone so lonely, single friends like my boy, Bob, and ladies who want to take me to the sack will learn a little bit. Remember, this blog is about educating America.

I will tell you there is no certain point system I use because there are different levels of doability within each of my criteria so feel free to adapt the system to your preferences.

First, let's start with things that move you down the scale.

1. If you're a wearing a half shirt and your fat rolls are hanging over the sides of the jeans like a muffin top that's not good. Or if the buttons on your shirt are strained and look like there's one thread hanging on for dear life to keep your shirt together.

2. Don't wear jeans so tight you can see where every fold of fat goes into the other. And if you're fat, please wear pants that fit so we don't have to see your thong hanging out the back of your pants. It looks like the string on a pot roast.

3. Facial piercings are really gross. It means you probably have taken some kind of antibiotic for a form of VD.

4. Tattoos can go both ways so I'll go with the first part here. If you've got some kind of skull thing going on that's not good. Nothing creepy for me, please. I don't want to stare at a giant crucifix on your back.

5. Smoking or any kind of chewing tobacco is out. If you smoke a cigar every once in a while that's okay because I like them too. But if you smell like an ash tray and your teeth look like tiny sticks of butter it's not cool.

6. Chicks that work out a little too much aren't good either. I remember when the chick who played Sarah Conner (from the Terminator movies) was in the third film she was all cut and it was a little unsettling. It was like someone had taken a woman's head and stuck it on a guy's body. Same thing for a lot of swimmers. They just look too big and their legs are like giant tree trunks that could snap your neck without breaking a sweat.

7. Please for the love of God put some meat on those bones. There's nothing uglier than a morbidly skinny chick. If a homeless guy is throwing you money for food it's time to sit down in front of a steak and get to work.

8. I don't want to catch you going number 2....ever. I don't want the image of sweat beading up on your forehead as you try to pinch a loaf. Just turn on the fan, light a match, and spray some Lysol when you're done. Oh, and make sure you close the door.

9. Nobody likes a sloppy drunk. I'm not a babysitter and it means I'm probably going to leave you passed out on a doorstep somewhere. After the blowjob of course.

This isn't a comprehensive list, but it gets you started on a solid foundation for your own Ladder. Now let's talk about what you ladies can do to get into my good graces...

1. Have a nice body, at least a cute face, and be naked. This is of course always the first line of demarcation. If you want to dig deeper that's all well and good, but this is it. Oh, and willing to put out is good, too.

2. If you've got a nice ass then show it off. As a Puerto Rican I consider myself a lover of the booty. Nothing is hotter than a girl in some tight jeans with maybe the top part of her thong showing. Hot. It makes a girl walking away a beautiful sight...

3. If I happen to "catch" you masturbating that's okay. If I "catch" you masturbating and you're saying my name then you've climbed the ladder significantly.

4. A girl who is willing to kiss another girl and not just when she's drunk is really hot. Oh, and both girls should be attractive. I've seen it and it ranks high on the list.

5. Girls that wear baseball caps with little khaki shorts, a white shirt and hiking boots is hot. It was the official springtime uniform at Auburn and was a beautiful site to see on the concourse.

6. A girl who enjoys sports and can sit through a college football game is hot. Don't know too much, but at least be interested and have a sincere rooting interest. It shows you care.

7. Girls that can dance like strippers are good. If you are a stripper that's a little too much.

8. Natural beauties. You gotta love a girl who looks good with or without makeup. Nothing worse than going to bed with a 10 and waking up with a 2.

9. Please be open minded. Nobody likes a stuck-up bitch. Or a loud one either. It makes you ugly real quick. But be open to what I have to say and be willing to at least consider the shocker (if you don't know you're too young or old for that).

Like I said this isn't a comprehensive list and there are plenty more things that I'll think about or see that give me a rise. But, ladies, you do these things and you've got a chance with me.