AL MVP Announced

Dustin Pedroia won the AL MVP and I could give a rat's ass. Not that it isn't a big deal, but my problem is that it takes FOREVER to get the yearly awards (Cy Young, MVPs, Managers and Rookies of the Year). Did you know the World Series ended October 29th and that's because of the weird two-day delay in finishing Game 7? Why does it take this long? Did it really have to take 20 days to pick these guys? By the time these awards roll around the few people who were still on pins needles had turned their attention to college and pro football like most of America. All of the winners should be announced on the same day and just brought together in one press conference. The NFL names its MVP, defensive player of the year and offensive/defensive rookies of the year a month before the Super Bowl. Since the post season doesn't factor into these awards, why can't they be announced before the start of the playoffs? How hard is that? It'd be rare writers would need to decide a closely contested race, but if they do so what? It's the information age and wouldn't take long to send an email or post your picks to a website. By the time these awards roll around more people are interested in what's happening in free agency, especially in a year when Manny Ramirez, Jake Peavy, Mark Texiera, and CC Sabbathia are all available to the highest bidder.

Proposition 8 fails

Californians passed the measure 52.5 percent to 47.5 percent in Tuesday's general election. The proposition counters a state Supreme Court ruling in May that said the state constitution guarantees gay and lesbian couples the right to marry. It seems to me in this day and age people would be a little more open minded about allowing same-sex marriages. Religious groups were out in force pushing for the measure to be passed.

According to the Catholic Church, "there are people who choose to live together in relationships other than traditional marriage. All of their spiritual, pastoral and civil rights should be respected, together with their membership in the Church." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, "It is important to understand that this issue for the Church has always been about the sacred and divine institution of marriage: a union between a man and a woman."

If religious groups have a problem with same-sex marriage then don't allow it in your churches. I find it hypocritical the Catholic Church says they respect your rights and membership in the Church, but you can't get married. Not once have I ever seen a gay or lesbian at Mass.

There's a little thing called civil unions and people do them all the time and it's got nothing to do with the Church. We separate church and state in this country for a reason. This is a perfect example.

On a light note, say hello to November's CRG (that's Coughdrop Realities Girl), Bianca Kajlich who was on a CBS show "Rules of Engagement." I don't even know if this show is still on because I never watch it. What I do know is that Bianca supports me in highlight beautiful people...beautiful people with DSLs--and nice boobies.

Another Example of PC Hell

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Weird and weirder...

Tampa must be a WEIRD city, which is why I should be there. If you click here you can read this great story about a loser who got arrested for wearing a mask in public (he was dressed as Batman), which is apparently against the law in Tampa unless it's Halloween. There are a couple of sad things about this story. First, dude is dressed up as Batman. Second, he's got more than one costume. Third, he's making a zombie Batman costume for Halloween. Fourth, well, I could go on.

And in a beautiful example of the lack of schooling in American today, I give you this quote from Laura McElroy, a Tampa police spokeswoman: "So there is a purpose for this statue that says you can't wear a mask in public." Nice. It's called a dictionary, Laura. Try using it some time.

Oh, and enjoy the photo. Keeley says stay in school and maybe you'll get to see my naughty bits. I didn't make that up. I swear.

Another Sign of American Descent Into Pussness

In another example of America's descent into pussyosity, ads for the new movie, "Zack and Miri Make a Porno", are being rejected by newspapers and television. Apparently the word "porno" is an unsavory word these days. Some child education expert in Boston says the ads inform kids that it's okay to work in the porn industry. "It's drawing attention to a movie which is mainstreaming and normalizing pornography, saying if you need money, this is what you do," said Diane Levin, co-author of "So Sexy So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do to Protect Their Kids." Really? Are you kidding? Here's how you protect your kids: be up front with them and explain the situation. You want your kid to try being in a porno? Keep them away from it as much as possible. I lived in Germany and I noticed European kids were much less "in love" with the thought of boozing it up. You know why? Because they're around it from a young age so maybe they're not as apt to go out and experiment at such a young age. Europeans are a lot more open about sex as well and my guess is there are probably fewer teenage pregnancies there than some places in the US where some religions consider pre-marital sex taboo. Give me a break.

A-Rod is a disappointment...

...as a man. Turns out A-Rod is banging Madonna. This dude makes more money than some small-market baseball teams. The guy can't come through in the clutch in the playoffs, but you'd figure he'd at least be able to get a hot piece of ass. Remember the blonde stripper with the tig ol' bitties he was seen with in Toronto? Hottie. Madonna looks like Skeletor nowadays. I believe she made a deal with the devil and he's slowly taking away her soul and she must feed on fresh blood or else whither away to nothing, which seems like it's happening. Good luck keeping your dick from falling off, buddy.

Welcome Back

I never thought I'd see the day when people would forget about Britney Spears bald lunging at a camera. Those were hard times. It reminds me of the time I made a bet with some buddies I could turn this geeky girl into a hottie for the big school dance and I fell for her, but then she found out the whole thing was a bet. Eventually we got back together, but those were dark days. And although this song is awful, Britney is back to looking uber hot--especially in the sauna scenes. She's back to where she belongs--in guys' fantasies as they give her a pearl necklace.

BTW, great line on wwtdd.com about the picture you see above. 'The snifter of brandy says "sophisticated lady", whereas the skin tight pants say "do me" and the blood red wig adds "...in the ass."'

The VP debate

Tried to watch some of the debate last night, but there was a Blossom marathon on at the same time. Decisions, decisions. Apparently Sarah Palin sounded a lot better than in her earlier interviews with Katie Couric. Those were brutal to listen to and it gives you pause considering she sounded pretty good during the debate, but what do you expect when you've been prepping for that thing forever.

But does it really matter? Because no matter what you can always mute the television and gaze on Palin and her hot librarian look. There's no way in hell she doesn't have some handcuffs and a whip in her bedroom...

Watch this kid, Australia

Zoo officials in central Australia caught this 7-year old boy killing a bunch of reptiles by either bashing their heads in with a rock or feeding them to an alligator. He whacked 13 animals and had no expression on his face the whole time. Due to the laws in that part of Australia, however, the kid can't be charged because he's under 10. The zoo is going to sue his parents, but if you ask me they should sue to put this boy in some kind of mental ward right now. The best thing that could have happened was if he'd been eaten by the alligator! Everyone knows the psychological information in movies is real and they always talk about serial killers starting out by killing animals. That's good enough for me. If the cops aren't checking up on this kid later tonight he'll be stuffing dead bodies under the floor of his house (hence the John Wayne Gacy photograph--friendly isn't he?)!

Ricky Williams not over the herb...

Ricky Williams said he was tempted to light up a doobie during the Dolphins' bye week according to an ESPN report. Ricky says, with the freedom of an off week he wondered what he was going to do and pictures of joints danced in his head. Apparently meditation was the cure because, in his mind, it was the same high as marijuana. He said he can't promise he won't smoke a joint once his NFL career is over, which is code for "I can't wait to be done with the NFL so I can light it up all day, every day." According to the report, he said "I don't know. I don't spend much time thinking about it." This is also code for "I think about smoking weed every day." The thought I have in my head is the sequence from
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle when he's daydreaming about being married to a bag of bud.

Parking

I come into work pretty early--so early the only people still awake besides me are hookers turning their last trick for the evening. So I see some of the security guys and gym rats coming to work and I notice there are a lot of people who feel the need to back into a parking spot. Why is that? Does it make you look cool? Are you planning a bank robbery and need to make a fast getaway? I don't know, but it's a little annoying. Almost as annoying as the guy I saw yesterday with a Bentley grill on his Chrysler 300--what? That's like buying those hubcap spinners. Horrible, bro.

And speaking of sweet rides, meet this month's foxy lady. Keeley Hazell hails from England and I hear there are topless pictures of her on a site called www.page3.com--I think. She's definitely got one thing going for her that most Brits don't: nice teeth.

Mia Farrow is a saint

Mia Farrow is big on UNICEF and she apparently just got back from touring Haiti and surveyed the devastation. Haiti was devastated by four hurricanes in just a few weeks and cities and villages are devastated. Apparently small donations will save lives in a country that is our neighbor. How about you help some other neighbors? Like the underprivileged people we have right in this country. It seems all of the Hollywood big wigs don't have a problem going to foreign countries because apparently all of the homeless people I see in DC are very well off. The truth is they don't mind helping folks from other countries because the only time they have to see them is when they take a trip with cameras in tow so people know what great humanitarians they are. Give me a fucking break. Why don't you start here in the US first and see if you can help some of your real neighbors?

And this obviously isn't Mia Farrow--that bitch has let herself go. But Megan Fox...well, feel free to rub one out.

Too sexy

Apparently University of Idaho fans are upset about the sexiness of their cheerleader's uniforms. According to the dean of students, "A number of fans were concerned that the uniforms were inappropriate. To be fair, there were a number of fans who liked them." Let me take a stab at who didn't like them: band girls and ugly chicks. If you're a deuce and a half and can't seem to get rid of that mustache you probably weren't digging it.

As an expert in all things sexy, these uniforms aren't inappropriate enough. I'm guessing Moscow, ID isn't a hot bed for talent. So if you've got 10-12 pieces of ass on campus, be sure to show it off.

An observation

Anybody notice when the news channels interview supporters of Obama you never see a white person? And when they interview McCain supporters you don't see a black person? Just curious...

Call It a Comeback

A friend pointed out I hadn't updated this blog in ages and sure enough, she was right. I'm a slackass, but you'll have to forgive me. Between wishing I could make a run at the PGA Tour, taking care of our baby girl, and dealing with supporting FEMA I'm a bit swamped. Something had to go so this blog and I took a break. No idea how often I'll post, but I promise to make an attempt. To make it up here's a picture of Megan Fox, this month's Coughdrop Realities girl. When I contacted her to inform her of this prestigious award she reminded me phone calls are prohibited under the restraining order--she's such a tease...

American Idol cuts another one

American Idol cut another contestant tonight which means they are now down to the touring 10 where you'll get to waste your money taking your kids to see people who will be working at Wendy's in 5 years. This lovely lady is Kristy Lee Cook who easily has to be the best thing to ever come out of Oregon next to Bandon Dunes Golf Resort. I'm sure there will be some controversy over why she made it through again despite being in he bottom two for what seems like the 20th straight week. Here's the reason--she's attractive. There isn't another chick on the show who comes close to touching the "talent" level of little Kristy. And that's why she's still alive--because guys ranging from age 16-35 need something to beat off to or else they'll stop watching the show. And a line like her Tuesday night "I can blow you out of your socks, and you know it," is sure to make for some very good masturbation material later when you're alone with your thoughts. Dirty.

1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD

I think it's safe to say when you have a blog entry with "STD" in the title a picture of Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears isn't too far behind. A study from the CDC revealed 1 in 4 girls between the ages of 14 and 19 have something that will assuredly melt your penis at some point in your life--that's 3 million girls. I think it's safe to say these girls aren't buying the abstinence speech and handing out some damn rubbers is the way to go. I think it's also safe to say 1 in 4 girls has one thing in common with Lindsay and Britney--they're willing to give up the pooty at the first opportunity meaning they actually have another thing in common--they're also whores.

Why are you still here?

It looks like the Knicks are looking for a new team president. When asked about the news, here's what Isaiah had to say: ""Honestly, I have not read them, so I can't even comment about them because I haven't read them. However, it's probably safe to say that every two weeks you write this story. So there's a rumor every two weeks for the last two years, so we'll keep going here and keep working." Apparently James Dolan isn't in a rush to make a change during the season and could wait until after the Knicks' season is over, which was really back in November. Isaiah should be out as head coach too. The Knicks are headed to their seventh straight losing season and are an atrocious 17-49 this year. If you're manager at McDonald's and your receipts come up short for seven straight days, I've got a little news for you--your ass isn't working an eighth day and the cops will probably be paying you a visit.

You've got to be kidding me

I'm sure you'll all be happy to know the Red Sox, A's, and Major League Baseball have settled the flap over the stipend/appearance fee for a 2-game series in Japan. Now all Red Sox personnel going on the trip will hopefully be able to live on $40,000 while in Japan---what?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I used both appearance fee and stipend because both words are used in the ESPN article. Nobody in Japan wants to see the trainer and what the fuck are you doing in Japan that you need $40 G's?! Let's see: the Red Sox and A's have probably chartered a plane and there's a team hotel with I'm sure several functions for both teams while they're in Japan. So tell me why you need that much cash?? The players' union and MLB agreed to a $40K appearance fee and if I'm MLB I tell these players to go fuck themselves and they will be on that plane or else there will be fines and suspensions. These guys aren't golfers--they're not independent contractors playing a professional sport. These guys sign contracts to play and they are bound by those contracts. If the players want to blame someone then blame the Red Sox staff for not compensating their staff, but this is ridiculous. Boston bench coach Brad Mills said, "the players just stepped up and they did what I think was right." If the players wanted to do what was right they should've pooled half of their "stipend" and given it to the staff. Now that's a great gesture. This is without a doubt one of the biggest wastes of money and does nothing but put off fans.

I Am Legend

So I'm watching the Bay Hill on TV and the wife and I are about to head out for dinner. I tell her to hold on because I want to see Tiger get his par on 18 so I can record the playoff. Johnny Miller says there's a 90% chance the tourney is going to a playoff. The NBC guys throw out the similarities between this putt and the putt he holed out in 2001 to beat Mickelson and how Tiger hasn't made a put over 18 feet the entire tournament. So what does Tiger do? He coolly steps up and drains a 25 footer to beat Bart Bryant on the 72nd hole! The man is unreal--is there anything he can't do? It seems like every time Tiger has two putts to beat you he takes one. The guy just has another gear altogether and absolutely feeds on the ultimate pressure. I think if I needed emergency heart surgery I'd just go with Tiger--dude is unreal in the clutch. So now his winning streak around the world is extended to 7 tourneys and official PGA starts to 5. What's scarier is the consistency for Tiger over the last five years. Since 2004, Tiger has played in 74 PGA Tour events. He's won 25 of those events, been 2nd or 3rd in 19 of them, and finished in the top 10 in 11 of the tournaments. For those of you who went to Oregon public schools that means he's won 33% of the events he's entered and finished in the top 10 74% of the time. He is now tied with Ben Hogan for third all time with 64 victories. He trails Nicklaus by 9 and Sam Snead by 18. Anyone who doubts Tiger keeps growing his legend on his way to becoming the greatest golfer that ever lived is kidding themselves. For those of us who are growing up in this era of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods and possibly A-Rod we are truly lucky to watch/have watched the legends of the sport become just that in front of our very eyes.

Dear. Sweet. Jesus.

I've always thought Kate Hudson was hot. Beautiful smile. But my problem is that she has the cleavage of a 10-year-old girl. And judging by this photo it looks like she's got the caboose of one, too. Zing! Welcome back to my "list", Kate. When I look at her poop chute I hear, "you HAVE to toss my salad."

ESPN's Greatest Highlight

Unless you're blind you've by no doubt seen ESPN's Greatest Highlight segment running during SportsCenter. Now I think this is a great idea and the fans get to choose their favorite highlights rather than some panel of ESPN talking heads--very democratic. But if you ask me there's one BIG problem with the segment: Chris Berman. Sure, his little quips were great when he first started and the nicknames were cool to start. But now it's just annoying. How this dude landed the role of announcing the first two rounds of the US Open is crazy. So there are tons of great highlights and since Chris Berman brought a lot of that crazy energy to his work on the big SC he was a logical guy to host. I can understand all that. But why the hell is this dope doing the play-by-play of these highlights instead of just airing the original calls? It's like if you or I turning down the volume and pretending like we were calling the play. It was god awful to listen to him try and call the Hank Aaron homer, Kirk Gibson homer, and Immaculate Reception. Very weak and I wish they'd gone in a different direction because Berman is annoying as hell. I'm just thankful we have one final play to go!

France's greatest gift

Many Americans know the best thing the French do is surrender and you'd probably be correct. But much like they did with French Fries and French Toast, they come through every once in a blue moon. Marion Cotillard is one such piece of greatness. Where has she been and what French movie has she been naked in because I need to rent it with quickness.

Another Hanes commercial?!

Does anybody else think Michelle Obama looks like Cuba Gooding, Jr. with a wig in this photo?

Michelle Obama is an idiot

First, let me say I'm very much in the middle when it comes to politics. I vote for the best candidate regardless of party affiliation. Both parties have their pluses and minuses.

With the statement, "let me tell you, for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country," Michelle Obama staked her claim to the throne of presidential candidate's idiot spouse. Are you kidding me? If you aren't proud of your country, get the hell out. We don't need you here. It's a privilege living in this country and to say you haven't been proud of the United States in your adult years is a joke. We don't need you. I don't care if you're a moderate, liberal, or conservative this statement should leave a sour taste in your mouth.

Here are a couple of things to be proud of: the end of the Cold War, the liberation of Kuwait, and the coming together of this country after the September 11th attacks (not to mention forcing the Taliban out of Afghanistan). We are a nation of proud people who take pride in this country and what it stands for--life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness--even if it's flawed. After reading Michelle Obama's comments I don't think she feels the same nor represents what Americans are all about.

Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be posting her backtracking statements further cementing her idiot status because she suddenly can't stick to her guns and defend her position.

A quick thought

Why are the beverages in the above picture called soft drinks? Has anyone bought a hard drink? Does that make sense? Why is it you have both liquor and hard liquor? Don't both get you drunk? Is this some type of marketing ploy by the industry to sell more booze? Hmmm...

An ambassador for peace?

You can't tell me if you had a chance to see Jessica Simpson naked you wouldn't quickly sign a cease fire agreement or agree to stop clubbing baby seals. If not then you have no heart and I feel sorry for you.

Great photo

I don't care if this picture is fake...it's awesome and does have a hint of truth in it.

America's Best Place to Work

If you don't know who these ladies are then you live under a rock. They are what's part of a very positive trend with the television news networks--hot female newscasters. I for one am glad that we get to see such beautiful faces delivering shitty news every day. It's hard to pay attention and I think if two of these ladies were on the set at once Armageddon might break out. What guy isn't thinking about being the meat in one of these sandwiches? Workplaces with hot pieces of trim like this are a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen...

Shaq Diesel traded

If you didn't know Shaq was traded by the Heat to the Phoenix Suns for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. Shaq's been out four of the last five weeks with a hip injury and doesn't seem to fit in at all with the fast-paced game the Suns play. It's unreal to me why they would give away two young guys for a 36-year old center who's well past his prime. We'll see if it pans out, but I wouldn't be surprised if Shaq misses half of the Suns' remaining games. If this trade results in a championship all the better, but I think the Spurs and Pistons have shown it's not about a bunch of superstars.

Anybody else suddenly feeling hungry?

First person who can't tell me the owner of this unbelievable pair of fun bags wins my respect.

How does this happen?

If you haven't heard Katharine McPhee married her dad over the weekend. Okay, he's not her dad, but she's 23 and he's 42! How in the hell does this happen? Is it drugs? Did he offer six cows to her parents? This is an upset right up there with Buster Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson. I'll never understand this type of thing and maybe that's just the way the world works, but this dude must know how to take care of the 'tang really well. There's just no way her ass belongs anywhere near his face.

According to People magazine, McPhee and Cokas met in 2005 when they performed in a Los Angeles theater production of "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir". Their union began as a friendship and blossomed when McPhee auditioned for American Idol later that year. So he wore her down. He's the guy friend who hung out with her all the time and you just knew he was her friend in the hopes he could get a little taste. Either that he just bugged her to go out with him until she finally just gave in. I'm familiar with that tactic--it's how I got my LCD TV!

Super Bowl XLII...yawn

I'm watching Mike & Mike in the Morning and they're talking up about the Super Bowl last night. They mentioned how it might be the best game ever. Maybe it's because I wasn't into the game (nobody I cared about was playing) this year, but I thought it was boring for the first three quarters. This was like watching a regular season college basketball game. I'll go do something and come get me for the last 5 minutes. I just thought it was some boring, boring, boring football. A great final quarter of course, but to me one quarter doesn't make an entire game.

"I'm Fucking Matt Damon"

Just when you think it can't better than the Big Ern vs. The Jesus movie trailer a little bit of heaven comes along to laugh your ass off. And, no, I'm not fucking Matt Damon--but for the right amount of money...

Wow

Every once in a while a movie that should be made doesn't get done. I don't know we're ever going to see this one on the big screen and it'll certainly be America's loss. Until it does happen we only have this trailer as an idea of what could be...

Big Ern vs. The Jesus

Mets get Santana

It looks like the Mets are the big winners in the Johan Santana sweepstakes, trading away 4 prospects to get the biggest catch of the off season. Santana had requested the Twins try to resolve the situation and apparently they decided to make the move. According to a report on espn.com, the package of four prospects is considered to have been the fourth best package offered. The Twins had previous offers from the Yankees and Red Sox, but their interest waned and offers were pulled off the table or pared down. In the end, the Mets offered the best deal.

This is a prime example of the Twins getting way too greedy. With a no-trade clause in place, the Red Sox and Yankees knew they could throw out good--maybe not great--offers because it was likely Santana wasn't going anywhere but a contender. They knew if the Twins couldn't work out a trade Santana would be a free agent at the end of the season and all they'd get were two draft picks as compensation. In the end, with no great offers on the table I think the Twins ended up settling. Time will tell of course and maybe the four Mets prospects were great, but it seemed like the Mets got the big arm they needed and didn't part with shortstop Jose Reyes and top prospect Fernando Martinez. If you ask me the Twins got played on this one big time.

Britney is mental

According to Barbara Walters, Britney has been to a psychiatrist and she assumes she's going to seek treatment. Whatever. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Britney's only illness is that SHE IS A RETARD. Where was this "mental illness" when she was selling millions of records and millions of men beat off to the thought of taking this girl bareback? Nowhere. Now someone has to figure out a way to explain away the fact her 15 minutes of fame are up.

You think if she really had some kind of mental illness a manager or friend would tell Barbara Walters? Amazing that it somehow popped up on the television the next day...

Worst commercial ever

It's taken me a while to write about this because I'm lazy, but I'm okay with that. Burger King has a commercial that has got to be the worst thing ever. It's all about the whopper freak out. Here's the story: One BK restaurant in Las Vegas tells patrons they have stopped selling the whopper. Apparently this is horrible news to the folks who order it. They call it the best burger and why would anyone go to BK if they didn't serve the whopper. This makes sense since BK is the home of the whopper. There are two ridiculous things about this commercial. First, the whopper is not the best burger and, two, this would never happen in Las Vegas. You may ask why I know this and I will tell you that I have lived in Las Vegas. I can count two places with better burgers just in Las Vegas.

The first is Fatburger. Great burgers and plenty of choices. I've been there enough to enjoy it, but there's one burger there superior to all others: the In N' Out burger. Unless you've been to or live in Nevada, California, or Arizona you've never experienced true heaven on a bun. Someone from Las Vegas who says Burger King is the best burger should be whacked and buried out at Red Rock Canyon. You haven't lived until you've ordered up a Double Double with cheese animal style, fries, and a Neapolitan shake.

ESPN's Jacobson disciplined for roast remarks

You can read the whole article here, but the gist of the article is that Dana Jacobson, who is on ESPN's "First Take", was reprimanded by ESPN for some comments she made during the Mike and Mike celebrity roast on January 11th. She apparently made some remarks about Notre Dame that the Irish peeps deemed inappropriate.

How does this happen? It's a celebrity ROAST! Has anybody at ESPN ever seen a roast? I'm not talking about some major network deal, but a no kidding roast. To my knowledge the roast isn't going to be televised and why should it? Roasts are brutal. It's all about personal attacks and putting someone down as much as possible. Aside from racial slurs there's probably nothing that's out of bounds. ESPN should think twice about doing this kind of thing if its employees suddenly have to be censored when performing during an event people paid to get into--and was for adults.

Huh?

I love stupid, pointless, and mindless. Shit, it's how I've gotten by so far in life. That's why I love a good movie where you can go in and not have to expend once ounce of the brain power. But sometimes the shit just goes too far.

By now I'm sure you've seen the previews for "Meet the Spartans", which is another tired spoof movie. Did anyone find anything funny in the preview? This genre is seriously overdone. I think I'd rather watch baby seals get clubbed.

You want two spoof classics that started (both a good and bad thing) this whole spoof kick? "Scary Movie" (just the first) and "Not Another Teen Movie" were great examples of how these movies are supposed to be done. The rest are crap, but feel free to throw out some examples and prove me wrong. But you won't.

Heath Ledger is dead...so?

Heather Ledger was found dead today at the age of 28. He was in his apartment and a bunch of pills were found next to him. Now we're going to have to sit through tributes from a bunch of losers (those blubbering fans who never knew the guy) and listen to actors who didn't know the guy comment on his passing. Here's John Travolta's reaction upon hearing about Ledger's death: “He is one of my favorite actors. His abilities are rare...it’s a tremendous loss. It’s hard to be here celebrating Australia under these circumstances.” Right. Ask Travolta to name one Heath Ledger movie--other than "Brokeback Mountain." Can you?

Listen, it's tragic for his family and to leave a little girl without a dad is devastating. But it's not like they found Robert DeNiro dead. I heard that people in CNN's entertainment section were crying. Really? Did they cry when Brad Renfro died last week? You might read that and wonder who Brad Renfro is. Exactly. Get over yourselves. And I hope we don't start to hear about how drugs are killing young actors and if this is the start of a bad trend. Drugs are killing a lot of people and that's not going to change.

Call me and insensitive prick but let's all have a nice hot cup of reality and get back to whatever it is we all do.

A couple of man observations

I had a buddy of mine ask if it was okay for a guy to come out of a stall (following a dump) while someone else was in the bathroom. The simple answer is no. Unless you're over 60 you should be staying inside the stall until the coast is clear. And if you do have to leave then you must hang your head in shame, say nothing, and make no eye contact.

Second, two guys should never sit next to each other unless the situation calls for it (like a sold-out sporting event). We go to these lovely town hall meetings and some of the guys in my office see it necessary to cozy up in the seat next to me. That's a no go. There's a one-seat buffer requirement. Like Seinfeld said, if two guys are at a restaurant they don't sit on the same side of the table.

Some sports observations from the weekend

A couple of things I noticed from the weekend of sports. First, I thought the conference championship games were great--especially the Packers-Giants. Should be in an interesting Super Bowl, but I think people are giving the Giants too much credit for their close LOSS to the Patriots. I'm smelling a blowout in Arizona and I foresee Manning having a Jake Plummer type of relapse. Remember the great season Plummer had for the Broncos in 2005 only to see him go back to normal against the Steelers?

Second, Maryland played a great game against North Carolina in Chapel Hill to knock off the top seed. Lots of crowd reaction shots and seeing the UNC coeds crying after the loss, which is completely stupid. But here's what I noticed: there are a LOT of ugly girls who go to UNC. I didn't see a single hot chick--just a bunch of "nerd" hot ladies. It looks like if you want to get a hot piece of ass in the Raleigh-Durham area you have to go to NC State or ECU where they don't care about academics and focus on keggers and getting laid.

Do you need anymore motivation than this?

If this doesn't get you (man or woman) excited for golf then you have no soul.

Still on the Karate Kid kick...Get it? Kick?

Every once in a while you come across a funny video and you want to share it with your loyal fans. This is no exception. These great UNC students put together quite a spoof video in the dorm. This was probably on a Friday or Saturday night when the dorm was empty. What does it mean? It means these two won't see a vagina unless they pay for it. But at least all that free time playing "slap and tickle" with each other means they put together a funny little video to enjoy.

Anybody miss this?

Anybody remember this look? I was at Starbizzle's this morning and a woman in the car next to me was sporting some major bangs. I wanted to knock on the window and see if she had on a pair of white leather boots with the tassles on them.

The sight of her made me want to throw on my Iron Maiden concert t-shirt and jean jacket with "...And Justice for All" back patch. Throw a little Guns 'N Roses in the boom box, hand me a Marlboro Red and I was in heaven.

The woman's bangs of course led to some of the famous men's bangs--never the lower over the forehead, only the top level. Entertainment icons such as Vanilla Ice, Zack Morris, and everyone's favorite rich-kid high schoolers, Brandon and Dylan. Those were the days, weren't they?

More legal troubles for Pacman

If you didn't hear Adam "Pacman" Jones was once again in the middle of some possible legal trouble when a woman filed an assault complaint against the suspended Tennessee Titan. Now, however, it looks like something is amiss and the woman has dropped her complaint. Surprise, surprise. Wanda S. Jackson, an Atlanta attorney, filed a complaint stating Jones punched her as Jones accused managers at the Body Tap strip club of stealing his money and bracelet.

If anyone should be punched in the face it's Pacman. A bracelet? Dude's going to get his ghetto pass revoked. Unless you're part of the Italian mob there's no reason for wearing one. Check Jones' pants because I'm guessing you're not going to find a penis.

You're making a BIG mistake

Sources (who are these sources anyways) say USC head coach Pete Carroll is interested in the Atlanta Falcons head coaching position. Carroll spoke to Falcons owner Arthur Blank today about the opening. Why? Why the hell would you leave a sweet gig like USC for the NFL? Keep in mind Carroll had two head coaching stints in the NFL prior to coming to USC. So it can't be that he's curious about going to the next level. And why would you go to Atlanta? That place is the black hole for sports. It's a horrible sports town with mediocre teams (minus the Braves, but their first round playoff games rarely sell out). When Brad Pitt left Jennifer Anniston he didn't shack up with Sarah Jessica Parker--he moved on to Angelina Jolie!

In his 7 years at Southern Cal he's only won 2 national titles and gone 76-14. He has recruits coming to him and has his pick from across the country. Here are some of his accomplishments: 2 BCS Championship Game appearances (win over Oklahoma, loss to Texas), 6 Associated Press Top-4 finishes (including the split 2003 national championship and the undisputed 2004 national championship), a record 5 BCS bowl victories, a record 6 consecutive BCS bowl appearances, a record 6 consecutive years as Pac-10 Champions or Co-Champions, a national-record 33 consecutive weeks as AP's No. 1-ranked team, a 12-2 record against traditional rivals Notre Dame and UCLA, a NCAA record of 63 straight 20-point games, 22 All-American first teamers, 3 Heisman Trophy winners (Carson Palmer, 2002; Matt Leinart, 2004; Reggie Bush, 2005), 4 Top-5 recruiting classes, win streaks for home games (34) and Pac-10 home games (22), and the first NCAA FBS team to achieve six consecutive 11-win seasons.

The dude is a god in LA...I bet he could punch a child in the face and people would wonder why the kid got in his way. The guy is a college coach through and through. No sense in going to the NFL where huge contracts and prima donnas rule. Enjoy the college landscape working with kids and being in control--not like NFL control, which is bullshit (ask Cam Cameron). Billy Donovan realized he belong in college and so did Dennis Erickson. You'd think Carroll would stay too.

I think I pissed my pants

Bill Simmons is a writer for ESPN The Magazine and also does some great pieces for Page 2. He certainly has one of the sweeter jobs out there. Anyways, he wrote a column about the Karate Kid and, if you grew up in the 80s, it is a must read. There is no way you won't be laughing your ass off halfway through the story. Enjoy the Holy Trilogy of "The Karate Kid".

This is why nobody likes you, LSU fan

You played a great game, LSU. Once again proving that the SEC is the best and deepest college football conference in the country. Now what most people may not know is that LSU fans are easily the most annoying college football fans in the country. I've been to my share of Auburn-LSU games and it gets ugly. I can remember driving home one night after a game and some drunk jackass was punching the hood of my car until some Auburn peeps came to the rescue. I don't know if there's a sober LSU fan. And that's why they play their games at night. Because you get 90,000 plus smashed fans in the stadium. Auburn's team bus has been shaken by fans before and some years back a player was mooned by a 60+ year old woman. I thought Florida fans were bad when Spurrier was around, but they are nothing compared to the LSU disciples. You only need to look at the picture here to see why they are the biggest pieces of shit on the planet. Is Ohio State a big rival? No. Was there a lot of smack talk the weeks leading up to the game--it seemed like it was barely talked about. And yet these three idiots have the balls to goad a bunch of Ohio State fans in an obviously predominant OSU section! It's obvious from the photo the two guys are retarded. The dude on the right is probably a mouth breather (someone who always has their mouth open, making them look like an idiot). And the girl in the middle (if she's a real woman) is a prostitute. She's bent over and has her mouth open, which leads me to believe she's spent much of her adult and teen years in this position. Perhaps she was "escorting" these two lucky fellas before giving them the gift of the HIV. And what's up with the OSU fan on the far left? He looks like an extra from "Staying Alive".

Another political observation

Anybody else think Dennis Kucinich married WAY out of his league? Dude must have a 12-inch cock or something to bag a piece like this. She is British, though, which means she probably has a messed up grill and is in serious need of a toothbrush. When I look at this picture, does anybody else think he looks a little like Smeagol from "Lord of the Rings"? My precious! And what the hell is in his mouth? It looks like he got an oyster stuck to the roof of his mouth.