I read a great quote today

I was in a team-building class today and I read something that seemed to sum up my job situation:

"Sometimes we stay in hell a long time because we've learned the names of the streets."

Times they are a changing though...

Please go vegetarian

If it means giving up red meat to see Alicia Silverstone's naughty bits then daddy is down...You can see pictures here.

Michael Vick has learned his lesson

Here are a couple of Michael Vick quotes during a press conference about a month ago following his guilty plea:

"I will redeem myself. I have to."

"I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts and, you know, what I did was, what I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up."

"I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering Michael Vick the person, not the football player."

"I take full responsibility for my actions … I am totally responsible."

So what does the new, responsible Michael Vick do? He decides to light up a little bit of the Mary Jane and take a toke. Dude popped positive for the wacky tobaccy September 13th. So now he's got to stay home between 10 PM and 6 AM, submit to random drug testing, and wear some type of monitoring device. His lawyer says he's going through a difficult time. I've never been in legal trouble, but I'm guessing while you wait for one trial you don't want to break any other laws. This guy wants to get back into the NFL and he fails a drug test. That's a four-game suspension for a first-time offense. And that's tacked on to the indefinite suspension the guy is already serving.

That flushing sound is Michael Vick's chances of playing football again going down the toilet. Great job, Smokey!

Women's golf needs you

If these heart-warming images aren't enough to make you want to support women's golf then you have a cold, cruel heart....www.womensgolfcalendar.com

What's up with Fred Goldman?

That news whore OJ Simpson has been at it again this time going "Rainbow Six" on a couple of guys who allegedly stole his stuff. Does anyone else find it a bit odd the entire episode was taped? When OJ busted in did the victim say, "Juice, wait a sec...I want to record this for the kids!"

So now Fred Goldman wants the supposedly stolen memorabilia. Does anyone else find THIS a bit odd. OJ writes this book detailing how he would have done it (WOULD have? Really?). When the Goldmans got wind of the plans, they called "If I Did It" "despicable" and "disgusting." I guess it wasn't despicable enough to get the rights to the book and then decide to publish it. On Oprah's show last Thursday, Fred Goldman defended publishing the book by stating, "Every penny we can take away from this monster is a piece of justice." So if you want to take away every penny from OJ that's already been done. There's no need to actually publish the book.

Or maybe Fred Goldman is trying to help other woman. During his time with Oprah, he said '"I hope that one single woman in an abusive relationship reads this book and says, 'God, that could be me. I have to get out and save my own life,'" Goldman said. "One single woman will be worth it."'

Here's what he told Fox News: “It was very disturbing and bothersome to me to read the words of the man that murdered my son,” Fred Goldman, father of Ron Goldman, told FOX News. "These are his words. We can take his words and show him to be the monster that he is." So then publish it on the Internet for everyone to read.

So which one is it, Fred? You're suddenly looking to help abused women or you want to keep OJ from profiting from the murder of your son? The guy wins a $38 million civil suit against OJ, which he's never going to get. Somehow I don't think that was his plan anyways unless he figured $38 million was about the worth of his son. Goldman already won by getting the rights to the book.

Maybe we'll see a movie soon and Fred Goldman will be on the red carpet talking about how he didn't want OJ to profit. And in the meantime maybe he'll be rolling up in his limo and designer suit. I'd be interested to see where this money is going. If he wants to honor the memory of his son I hope he is giving any money he gets from the book to a good cause. Except this latest attempt to get some goods that might not even be OJ's screams of greed and nothing about seeking justice.

McNabb is a jackass

Looks like there's some interview Donovan McNabb did recently with HBO where he says black QBs are criticized more because there are fewer of them and people still don't want them to play the position. If there was one Puerto Rican quarterback and he got criticized I could say he's unfairly targetted as well. Here's why you get criticized, McNabb: you're the face of the Eagles and you're not playing well. It's got nothing to do with you being black, moron--excuse me--African American, moron. Let's see, what quarterbacks got criticized last year: Eli Manning, Rex Grossman, and Ben Roethlisberger. What do those guys have in common? They're all WHITE--excuse me, Caucasian American.

Hell yeah!

Somehow the good people at my job saw it fit to send me down here to the University of Tennessee for a course on logistics. So far it's been great. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm an Auburn grad--a true fan through and through. I've been to some other campuses throughout the Southeastern Conference and there's one thing that's constant at each school--the hot trim. I haven't been back to Auburn in a long time and so this trip confirmed the fact there is still PLENTY of major league talent. Knoxville is no exception. I've been all over the world and nowhere are the girls prettier than in the SEC. You don't need Levitra or Viagra. One college party is all the help you need to cure erectile dysfunction. If you don't believe me just look at the photos of these lovely UT girls and you'll see what I mean.

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+1, -5, and -4. Those would be some awesome rounds of golf for me. But that's actually the Auburn's turnover margin in our first three games of the season. We have coughed the ball up 12 times. 12!!! Auburn is 14-44 on 3rd down conversion attempts. If you haven't figured out where I'm going with this, here you go: we suck donkey dick. This loss today to Miss St by the score of 19-14 is completely unacceptable. We got shut out in the second half by a team we'd owned the last six years. I'll be happy with a .500 record at this point. We SHOULD win next week against New Mexico St, but I can't see us going better than 1-3 against Arkansas, LSU, Vandy, and Florida. And that's a lot of hope because the way our team is playing at home I don't doubt a loss to Vandy at this point. It's going to be a long, shitty, painful year.

Offensive? Hmmm....

First, let me say Kathy Griggin is ugly and so I apologize for fugging up this beautiful site. I hadn't heard about this story until today because I don't sit through awards shows. Kathy Griffin was accepting an award and during her speech she stated, "A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Suck it, Jesus. This award is my God now." Apparently people got offended by her remarks. So I found this blog on Fox News' website about how Kathy Griffin is wrong and so of course we had to get a religious education class. You know what? I don't need it. If Kathy Griffin is an atheist then she doesn't believe in God so who cares.

I don't get offended by this type of drivel. When I read comments like this by people like Kathy Griffin I just shake my head and think, "idiot." But I don't get all up in arms about it. I'm religious, but I don't go around shouting it from the rooftops. If anything, I find people who try to force religion on me offensive. We have this person at work who is always saying "Oh please help him, Lord" and "I just put my life in Jesus' hands". Uh, I'm at work not church thank you.

And while I didn't necessarily agree with Lauren Green's blog I could understand the point she was trying to make. Suddenly, though, her entry becomes about patriotism as well. Somehow Jesus provided us with the "freedoms we enjoy in this country to speak freely and to live freely." I think Native Americans helped--they didn't believe in Jesus. There are Buddhists who have helped make this country great. Branch Davidians. Muslims. Taoists. Atheists. Agnostics. Mormons. Wiccans. Hindus. Sikhs. Zoroastrians. Maybe even some Satanists for all we know.

I don't think Jesus was American but she starts talking about how Kathy Griffin couldn't pursue an entertainment career in other countries. Last time I checked there are plenty of countries with people who believe in Jesus and live in shit holes. It's amazing how Lauren Green can talk about being offended by Kathy Griffin's Jesus remark, but it's okay for her to base the history of the US on Jesus alone. Lauren Green, you offend me.

I am SO jealous

Just when I think I've got this whole retirement thing down a guy like this comes along and makes me rethink my whole strategy. First, let me just say you should NEVER wear Brut cologne unless you're as old as this guy. Then it's either Brut, Aramis, or English Leather all the way. This dude lathered himself up with Brut aftershave and spray cologne after his shower. He then goes to cook breakfast on the fire and next thing you know the guy is lit up like a Roman candle! He went through 3 skin grafts and suffered burns on 30% of his body.

Now why didn't I think of this?! I'm already married so who cares if I'm ugly at this point. It was 30% of his body, which isn't all that bad. So what if people stare at me. When I'm down in San Diego in my giant swimming pool I could care less. It's all about the retirement plan!

One note to this guy though, why the hell does it take you THREE YEARS to file this lawsuit??

Why?

This has been bugging me for a while. Guys love to leave the toilet seat up--and I don't have a problem with that because I do it a bit. At home, though, I've been well conditioned by the wife to make sure the seat is always down. Now this is fine, but in a public restroom I wish the seats in the stalls were up. We do it all the time and home, but when you need to pinch a loaf there's piss all over the toilet seat. Talk about agony when you're all ready to let the turtle out and suddenly you have to reel it in because of the urine-soaked toilet seat. And you can wipe it off all you want, but the idea of putting your bare ass on something that's been tainted is too much to bear. Talk about a major case of gut rot.

How is it...

How is it that in a military known for being the most technologically advanced in the world we can't get an email account set up for at least a week? My friend recently went to work for a company and on his third day he was sending emails. And it could be he's lazy and might have had it earlier than that.

The new Osprey can fly as a helicopter and airplane and yet it takes an act of Congress to get a computer that's even less than a couple of years old. The military has the technological might to put a laser-guided bomb through your window and into the wastebasket in your office. However, we can't spend money the first two weeks in October because it's the new fiscal year and money hasn't been loaded. The most advanced Air Force in the world is celebrating 60 years of existence and after about 5 years of talking there is finally a universal email account so you don't have to change your email address every time you go to a new assignment.

When I see commercials touting our speed and lethality I have to laugh because it applies to about 20% of the military. Stealth aircraft--no problem. Getting you an ID card in less than 3 hours--big problem.

Time for change

You ever have those bosses or coworkers who really get worked up about work? They have some issue they find amazing or a problem that's suddenly the possible coming of the apocalypse? I do. And in my head I'm thinking, "are you fucking serious?" Happens all the time where I work and I can't stand it. Maybe there is something in my genes, but I just can't get that fired up. I've been an officer for 10 years now and I'll tell you the worst part--the responsibility. I don't feel like it. I see those guys who are working on the grounds around the complex and I'm thinking, "now that's a job I could go for." No real responsibilities there. Give me a job where I'm busy roofing or stringing wire in a house and I'm down. I'd love to be my own boss, but that means more work than I'm willing to do.

I don't even think I could handle being a celebrity--too many people around you always wanting autographs. I do speak fluent Spanish so maybe I could get crazy rich as a soap star in Puerto Rico and then move to the States. In reality I just need the Mega Millions to come through for me one time--that's what I'm talking about for effort...zero.

Maybe it's just time for a job change for me. I think there's something wrong if you haven't enjoyed your career for nearly two years. The feeling of vomitting every morning shouldn't happen, should it?

Warning!!

Normally I would just post a video like this with something in the title like "no words necessary", but I feel the need to jot a couple of notes. First, this is a dude. Second, he really is crying. Third, make fun of Britney and this guy will scratch your eyes out. Seriously, gay guys call this dude a homo. Enjoy.

WTF, Part 2

I was S-L-O-W-L-Y coming into work this morning (which I always do--no going above the speed limit to come here) and was listening to Howard Stern on Sirius when they started talking about one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. It appears Entertainment Tonight and one of those other kiss-ass celebrity shows are covering Anna Nicole Smith's daughter's first birthday. Why? During the airing of one of the clips it was mentioned the party theme would be inspired by Anna Nicole. I guess that means every attendee will get a bottle of booze, some heroin, and a mystery mix of anti-depressants. Boy, I can't wait for that party. There was also some footage of little Danni Lynn watching her mom talk to her while in a drunken haze. As if kids aren't already embarrassed by their parents this poor girl is going to have some serious issues. I wonder at what point her pappy will tell her all about how her mammy ran off to the Bahamas with her lawyer because she wanted nothing to do with him. Ah, the good life.

Pathetic

The caption to this photo was "Tuberville still sees a lot of room for improvement on offense." That's one of the most obvious statements I've heard in a long time. This picture is also reminiscent of the look I had on my face watching this game Saturday night--granted I had a few beers in me, which really just led to me dropping a few more F bombs. We of course lost in overtime, but that was pure luck as USF's kicker missed some really makeable field goals. We couldn't hold onto the ball fumbling on two straight possessions. Simply put our offense needs to get it's shit together or else it's going to be a long season for my Auburn Tigers. That's all for now--if I write more about our pathetic performance I'm going to throw something. It's a shame we couldn't play Alabama and Tennessee each game since we've owned them lately--John, that UT dig was for you--ready to hit the links next week!

WTF?!

I love watching people make asses out of themselves. A lot. And so it was with great anticipation I sat in front of the television to watch Britney Spears open up this year's MTV Video Music Awards--ironic since these jackasses rarely show a video these days. My life is mostly a series of disappointments, but I've got to say Brit Brit came through for me. Her tits did look huge, but, like my wife says, that's the bra. Too bad her ass and gut couldn't look better. This girl is ready to head back to the Louisiana bayous and wrestle her some critters. Half the time she walked through her dance steps. She kept brushing the weave out of her face. And she couldn't even keep up with her own song--half the time it looked like she was just talking through the song forgetting to "sing" at points and then lip-synching at the wrong ones. And I thought I wasn't ready for taking the ladies to heaven when they took the cast off my penis after I'd fractured it. Some of us just know how to pull through in the clutch...

Nicole Kidman...

I read Nicole Kidman admit she was engaged between religious psycho Tom Cruise and former alcoholic (or was it druggie? Who cares) Keith Urban. My reaction: so? Does anyone care about this chick? This picture makes her look like some kind of reptile. I can't remember a time when this girl was hot--try eating a steak, you fucking waif! If I was the "man in question" I wouldn't want my name getting out. Banging Nicole would be like banging a piece of plywood with a couple of holes in it except the piece of plywood doesn't lay there as much.

'Credible leads' in the search for Fossett

I'm still trying to figure out why this story is such a big deal. A dude who likes to do all kinds of crazy shit like ride in a balloon around the world takes off in a plane and now no one knows where he is. According to the Nevada Civil Air Patrol there are four 'credible leads' they're following. If those four leads aren't different parts of his body then forget it. There's your credible lead--the dude is part of a coyote's stool by now. Isn't it crazy that the guy should die on a simple plane ride and not one of those crazy stunts? Had I remained single it would've been like me dying with only one woman in the sack.

Shock beat the Mercury in Game 1

If you read the title of this post and knew what I was talking about, wow. Seriously, get a life. I would've watched the WNBA finals, but I was working a serious dump most of the night. And after all that hard work wouldn't you know there was nothing to show for it except a bad odor? It's like the "if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it..." thing, but instead it's "if you take a grump and you don't see it at the bottom of the toilet, did it really happen"? Okay, I've said too much. Again.

Jerry Lewis, ass clown

I wrote previously about the jackass celebrities who make some stupid public comments and then try to retract them. Like Jerry Lewis calling someone an "illiterate faggot" during his telethon. Literacy is no laughing matter, Mr. Lewis! Jerry Lewis is 81 and was on his 18th hour--give the guy a break if he forgot to hide his homophobic tendencies for two seconds. And of course the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD, get it?) has to get its two cents in because no one even knows this organization exists. They want to get together with Jerry Lewis and pull an Al Sharpton on Imus thing to better educate him on the evils of words like faggot.

Jerry Lewis of course said all the "right" things for the cameras. Wouldn't it be awesome if at the press conference he just said, "Yeah, I said it. I've said a lot worse. So I called a guy a faggot--big deal! I hate gays--there I said it so now you don't have to wonder and I don't have to stand up and give some bullshit apology none of you will believe. I'm 81 years old and if you don't like what I say then go fuck yourselves." Now that's a man.

Whoopi Goldberg is an idiot

I don't know if The View's producers told Whoopi she had to be like Rosie, but she certainly succeeded. Nothing like coming to the defense of an admitted dog killer to make sure you lost whatever credibility you might have had in the first place. You can go here and read the article. For those of you that don't like to read a lot, unless there are a bunch of pictures, here's the moronic comment Whoopi made: "You know from his background this is not an unusual thing for where he comes from." She also mentioned how Vick was raised in the South, dog fighting is part of his cultural upbringing and if it had been someone from New York her feelings would be different. Oh really?

You know what else is common in the South? The KKK, racists, and the 'N' word. I guess if you're one of those and you drop the 'N' bomb on her she's okay with it if you're from the South. A poor public education system--that's common in the South, too. So if you're borderline stupid, but hail from Americus, Georgia you're cool. Hot girls at SEC schools--that's a common thing in the South. So if you're some fat, fug deuce-and-a-half from the University of Tennessee then Whoopi has no time for you, girlfriend. Don't even think about hanging out with Whoopi if you haven't had sex with a relative, too.

Whoopi, before you can make these idiotic rationalizations try to make sure your foot doesn't get in the way.

#1 movies

My wife and I went to see Halloween over the long holiday weekend. This was a remake of the John Carpenter thriller about Michael Myers-he was always one of the freakier movie killers because of that emotionless mask. Dude just went around gutting people. Rob Zombie was responsible and I've got to say I enjoyed it. He uses the same damn people over and over though. If you've seen House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects you'll remember the actors. I guess it keeps those guys employed, but any time he feels like throwing in some new blood feel free. There were two big things going for this movie that sealed it's #1 position at the box office for the weekend: T&A and murder. That's it. Plain and simple. The only thing this movie was missing was childish humor.

Which leads me to the topic of #1 movies. What have been some of the last couple of years' biggest hits? The 40-Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and Superbad have all been huge hits. Got any clue as to why these low-budget movies become financial windfalls? Tits, ass, and childish slapstick humor. Who makes these films big hits? Guys--of all ages. Because guys like T&A and we're all childish. Flash a nipple here and there, maybe a thong and throw in some guy being puked on and you're in business. When you think about some of the simple plot lines it's remarkable we aren't all coming up with these films. Superbad is about two guys needing to get liquor. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is just what the title says. By the way, if you haven't seen it you're really missing out. Neil Patrick Harris was awesome as himself. Anyways... Keep this in mind if you want a hit movie on your hands. Tits, ass, and slapstick.

See?!

If you read my post on lottery winners and thought I was an idiot for making such a bold assumption then--well, you wouldn't even be the first in my family to call me an idiot. Anyways, maybe my little friend pictured here will make you think twice. This guy, Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett, is the holder of one of the four winning tickets from Friday night's $330 million Mega Millions jackpot. Apparently Elwood, was on his way to a store when he stopped to buy a couple of tickets. Want to know what he does at this store? He teaches Wicca and Reiki healing! Did you know he made a deal with the multiple gods of his Wiccan belief to win the ticket?? Maybe now you'll listen and realize that while my site is based mostly on my own opinions and very little research there's sometimes a little truth behind it. Feel free to apologize by sending me money--it's all about the C.R.E.A.M., baby! If you don't get that you need to listen to a little more Wu Tang Clan...

Wearing your hat backwards

I was at the golf course a couple of weekends ago and I saw something rather disturbing. A guy easily in his early 40s was sporting his hat backwards. As if that wasn't bad enough, his hat was easily at a 45-degree angle. Both things are very wrong and for the same reason: age. Unless you're a professional athlete or sitting at home alone, there is no reason At 30, the days of wearing your hat backward have gone the way of wearing your letterman's jacket (which went away the second you graduated from high school--stop hanging on).

And as an adult under 30 make sure your hat is perpendicular to the ground please. You can wear your hat at a 45-degree angle if you still have a paper route. Otherwise, straighten it out. It's an inverse relationship really. The higher in age you get the lower the angle of your hat should be. Follow this simple formula and you won't look like an idiot.

What does Auburn football and the Make-A-Wish Foundation have in common?

23-13. When the clock at Jordan-Hare Stadium read 0:00, that was the score and Auburn had come out victorious. Somehow. When Auburn started its game-winning drive my old roommate texted me one word: Pray. I wrote back and told him, "we need a miracle." And somehow we got out wish, the Make-A-Wish reference. Quentin Groves managed to force a fumble at the end of the game, which we ran back for a touchdown to seal the win. It was ugly.

No doubt about it. We got schooled Saturday night. Our defense played like crap to start the game and simple slants were pushing us back. Eventually we got on track and the defense really pushed their offense around although our second-half start was similar to the start of the game. But when we needed big plays we certainly took advantage. The punting and placekicking games were a bright spot--they were very consistent. I think we've got some consistency here for the next four years and that's a plus. Now our offense I'd give a big thumbs down. The offensive line did have to replace four of last year's starters, but holy crap did we play like shit. We couldn't pick up blitzes, Brandon Cox held the ball way too long, and our running game was non-existent.

I'm hoping we fix some things by next weekend otherwise it's going to be a LONG season. Up next for us is South Florida. Let's hope we prepare better than we did for the Wildcats.